Yaiba’s Weekly Backhand: Shadow Fury
}} was the fourteenth blog post in the Yaiba’s Weekly Backhand blog hosted on the Yaiba: Ninja Gaiden Z website. It was originally posted January 1, 2014. Transcript Sam Bottoms might be confused for a slumming Michael Madsen, but only because his character is named Mitchell Madsen (occasionally Madison on some computer monitors) and people address him as Mr. Madsen. This would-be badass spouts lines like “Brick town… shit town…” Truly, the most cutting wisecracks. He spends most of his time responding to whatever’s been discussed with “That? I prefer this.” Someone mentions swords, and he says he prefers guns. Someone mentions chickens, and he says he prefers steak. He’s been brought in to protect the remaining scientists of the Nova Corporation, a shady setup that supposedly works on “cloned food engineering”. Hah. They’re about as legit as Forge Industries, the outfit that put me back together after Ryu… got lucky. The brain trust of eggheads is being picked off one by one by their former colleague, Dr. Oh. He didn’t enjoy being fired and has gone rogue. Perfecting a plot device called “the obedience strain,” he is supposed to be a terrifying madman. Dr. Oh’s haircut, however, pretty much makes him look like your crazy grandpa or someone cosplaying Doc Brown. His deranged “brain specialist” has mastered mind control and created a clone army to murder his former colleagues. Most of his clones are slobbering idiots dressed in black pajamas. Ninjas? Please. With their stupid shuffling and blank stares, they’ve got more in common with the hordes of undead that are standing between me and Ryu. Dr. Oh’s greatest accomplishment is a clone of the “great ninja Takeru”. He’s the only fighter worth a damn in the whole flick, but that’s not saying much. Madsen immediately tracks down Dr. Oh without the slightest bit of investigation and very… slowly… shoots… most of the clones down. Still, Madsen gets his ass handed to him once Takeru shows up. But, using the self-destruct in his gun (what the hell?), Madsen manages to get the drop on Dr. Oh and kill him. So much for that guy. After taking out Dr. Oh, Madsen is knocked unconscious in a rooftop explosion. While he’s out, the Nova Corporation eggheads scan him and detect that he’s on the verge of liver failure. With the perfect clone out there still under the deceased Dr. Oh’s orders, the scientists need Madsen to take out the threat. Conveniently, the clone’s “perfect liver” would make the perfect transplant for Madsen. The rest of the movie is pretty much one terrible action scene after another. Does this movie take place on the moon? Everything happens in slow motion, and not the intentional kind. Whether it’s dodging and deflecting bullets, basic fisticuffs, or even drawing a gun – these action scenes are as slow as senior citizens doing water calisthenics in the pool. As it turns out, it comes as no surprise to anyone EXCEPT THE LADY SCIENTIST WORKING THERE, that Nova Corporation is perfecting tiny killer clone Taylor Lautners (age 9). Codename: Kismet. Thanks to accelerated growth, future Jacob/Kismet is quickly replaced by an older version. The lady scientist, a poor man’s Miss Monday if I ever saw one, tries to convince Madsen that Takeru can be saved from his genetic programming. Conveniently (and unfortunately), a hooker with a heart of gold falls for Takeru, the killer clone. Honestly, I wish I was making this up. She dies trying to save the lady scientist and, in doing so, turns Takeru good… somehow. Takeru teams up with Madsen to fight off the now teen-aged Kismet temporarily. They defeat the evil scientist. I could tell you more, but I don’t really want to. Instead, I’ll leave you with the dialogue exchange preceding their final assault. Takeru: Take my liver. Madsen: I don’t want your goddamn liver. I want your help. External Links [http://www.yaibangz.com/index.php/blog/page/3/ ] Category:Yaiba’s Weekly Backhand